This could be on paper. It could be torn up, burned down, or thrown out.
This could manifest and disappear, here, with me, but I’m choosing not to do it the way
that the experts suggest when trying this particular action in another attempt to forgive yourself (myself) for what you have done to others.
Since we (all) never had that formal talk, since for some I could not apologize because at the time I was tied up in a bit of a shit storm, or frustrated with you, or myself rather, I’ve decided to give those people to whom I hold remorse for my actions the chance to see this if they so choose to check up on me.
If you are indeed one of those persons, first, I would like to say, to YOU, that I am completely and utterly sorry that I failed your expectations and hurt you. and for that ONE person in particular I’m sorry for everything you could possibly think of except getting to know the absolutely beautiful person you are.
I do not believe in God but if I did (on the case that he was real) I would BEG him to let me go back and change what I have done. I cannot stress how tragic it is to have sacrificed so many precious things to my weak ego. In disappointing you I want you to know I have disappointed myself. It really sucks.
I don’t care if you do not believe me…… You’re a fool if you don’t.
I say this with conviction simply because we, you and I and her and him and them, are human.
How would you feel if you were acting out of agents outside of your capabilities and character at the time and in that you managed to hurt pretty much half of the people you knew so deeply that not only did they discontinue their relationships with you they openly disrespected and attacked you? Knowing that your actions have not caused someone to CRY but BAWL and PRAY that you were better than you could be at that time? Knowing that you failed at social expectations YOU agreed on? Knowing how hypocritical and idiotic one must look doing and feeling and saying a bunch of contradictory things without even consciously knowing the roots?
Have you guys ever had a conflict in which you were the guilty party? It’s an awkward feeling, sitting in between ‘long term You’ and ‘short term You’ and deciding which one is the bigger idiot for not knowing what the fuck to do when it counted.
There’s no greater vision than hindsight they say.
Not only have the effects impacted me personally, emotionally and in life, but there IS NO DOUBT TO ME that my actions have HURT you. It hurts ME to have hurt YOU. I don’t know what your idea of me now is.. but someone who is out to hurt others and laugh at their pain and does not CARE about others is not the correct idea.
I am not a psychopath nor a sociopath.
This did not bring me joy or happiness and in fact my actions made my blinded despair more permeating before any of this was brought to light and you might not give a damn but I’m telling you this to help you heal. If you spend all your time thinking about this, where I am a monster, and they are monsters, you might miss out on a lesson it took causing others misery for me to learn.
People, feelings, things fluctuate based off of the schema (mindset) that a person holds. People are doing the best they can at all times with the tools that they are equipped with.
I might sound arrogant in some of this but I’m going to be honest because…. if I am to be hated (or disliked, whichever makes you feel less petty, because it IS hate at this point from what I have seen) for what I have done, I might as well try to get you some actual insight concerning my opinion(s) on my choice(s) and thought(s) concerning you.
I’ve gone over the idea of sending personalized, intimate letters to each of you, but my heart conflicts with my ego on this and I’m not wise enough to know ‘the correct answer’.
For one, for all I know, all of you have moved on, have forgotten me to the best of your abilities and smile freely every day without having to relive the pain of what a dreadful part of my existence has caused you. And if by chance this is the case, I really, really, don’t want to disturb your peace. One of my own personal problems is that I have held on to the anger and pain of many situations, reliving them and reinventing them to become something that they were not and probably not meant to become, until my present moments were seeped with the energy of the past. This is self defeating and I’d like to not bring anymore shit to your table involuntarily.
Also, I am not sure IF sending anything would bring anyone closure, other than to me. Here lies your choice to seek it out if you so wish.
I could message you, tell you all the jest of “I was not in a good place or space in my life at the time to discern certain things, I’m sorry for being selfish and hurting you”, perhaps try to give further explanation, but to be honest, I don’t want to. I don’t want to explain or discuss anything. Not my actions. Not my thoughts. The word futile comes to mind when I think of doing so.
And it would be. Yes, perhaps because maybe you would not care/believe me/entertain the idea of my life have any objectivity except revolving around you at the time, or maybe you would, but would not find that relevant in what I have done to YOU, personally.
And you would be right.
It’s not relevant.
I was not acting from a place of self love, I was not acting from a place that brings me higher with light and beauty and pride for who I AM to MYSELF, and in doing that, I made negative choices that more or less directly effected you and could be correlated with the fact that you exist(ed) in my life, and that is what is relevant.
You can condemn me, shame me, not respect me, think I’m ‘dumb’, ya know, whatever, but this is MY journey. It does not serve you to read my words and think about anything OTHER than what I’m telling you in a COMPASSIONATE light.
I promise you.
Because if the conversation you have with yourself is “She’s a terrible person, a hoe, fake, whatever”, than you coming here to check up on me has done nothing for you but bring you BACK down to the negative vibration that I introduced to our situation.
And that’s not fair to YOU.
My actions may have definitely assured that you will never speak to me again (at least not in a decent manner sadly), but, I still love you and care about you, particularly concerning our situation(s).
Yeah, even if I “……………….” and even if you have said every mean thing that can be said about a person in the book about me and would punch me on sight, I still love you. It’s completely possible. And whether you like it and acknowledge it or not, you feel the same. That’s why you’re here, emotionally and via internet. So if I can help at all, or a little, I want to.
I had to learn the fluidity of human emotion is waaaaay past my understanding right now.
But I do understand that I love you, all and each of you in the best way that I can.
My memories with you as individuals still bring me bitter-sweet feelings that lead me to this truth.
My idea of closure in this situation consisted of my trying to make amends, and since that cannot be done, I just wanted you to know that,
I wish the absolute best for you, in any and every aspect you wish to have fulfillment in life.
I am sorry for every wrong that brings anger and pain to your head and heart. I am ashamed of my actions and that it was ME bringing such sorry bullshit to another persons life, especially people I had the privilege of knowing called me their friend. I wish for the healing of your heart and mind in the place that I have ruptured. I wish peace and power onto you and all you do. I wish for grace for you during your lowest times and praise for you at your highest. I wish things could have been very different and that I could have been very different but it’s probably to all our betterment in some sick, twisted, beautifully ironic way that they are not.
Please continue to be the beautiful women I knew you as. Thank you so much for that.
Well. Everything basically ended two weeks ago.
A week ago I understood the terms and conditions of my termination.
Today I understand that the contract I signed hadn’t had the second signature I needed…. but apparently the offer isn’t off the table.
Going from happy to unhappy to mildly depressed to whathefuckishappeningtomylife will knock the wind out of a person.
I feel like many of the people I love took their fists and blew out my chest themselves.
And right when I get to a point of, ‘I get it, you all are looking out for you, lemme follow suit before I’m destroyed by my mangled, unmanaged expectations’, I’m again pulled into this annoying, sick dynamic of my babying other people’s egos and pride and sense of what the world is.
And I can’t selfishly indulge myself to block out the truth like everyone always does. Like I’ve always done.
I have to face it in it’s ugly glory because it’s facing me.